Jonathon.

The last 6 weeks of my life have been the most difficult. I haven’t gone a day without crying.

I know it won’t be like this forever. But for now, it’s been difficult.

There are no words to describe the pain of losing Jonny.

There are no wise words or quotes that people can say to ease the pain either.

We all have different versions of ourselves that come out with different people. The version of him I got to experience was so pure, and vice versa. He made me feel genuinely happy by just being in his presence. I was always at my best when he was around – I didn’t even try to be, I just was.

We spent a lot of time together with his parents and my parents and our extended families. Our connection was one in a million. As much as we both got wild and loved to party as we got older, the connection between him and I always remained the same as it did when we were young – based upon family, community, faith and genuine love.

We were so similar in so many ways that neither of us ever had to explain ourselves to each other; which is why losing him has broken my heart, but the way I lost him has completely shattered my soul. I’m hurting for me. I’m hurting for him. Both in it’s human form, and spiritually.

Jonny’s death has shaken my entire world up. It’s had me question everything, including my beliefs. I’ve began questioning life in general – what matters and what doesn’t. I’m learning a lot – and the lessons are filled with deep pain, not wisdom. Part of it is learning life doesn’t stop no matter how much your world is falling apart internally.

I’ve been through all kinds of pain and loss over the past decade, but nothing comes close to losing the one person I have grown up with and loved my whole life. My entire life I’ve known how to be strong – whether it’s for myself or for someone else… and for the first time, I didn’t know how to be. Sometimes I still don’t.

With that said, I don’t know how I would carry on without the people who have been supporting me through this. The amount of love and strength I’ve received from Jonny’s family – especially his parents, sisters and cousins, my family (especially my brother who has kept me so strong in moments when I didn’t know how to carry on), and my beautiful colleagues & friends. As painful as this has been, my heart is beyond grateful knowing I have such wonderful, loving people in my life.

Jonny, losing you has been incredibly painful, but how I lost you has left my heart and soul in pieces. You’ve taken so much of me with you. No one will ever understand the pain I feel or why I feel it – and even if I tried to explain it, I wouldn’t know where to start. Thank you for teaching me that true love was less about romance and more about kindness, care, compassion, honour, honesty and transparency.

The one person who has always approached me with love; even as young kids. Your energy around me has always been so pure. I know you haven’t left me; I know you’re watching over me, guiding me and protecting me (like you always used to) but not having you here in the physical is incredibly painful. I know I’ll learn to live with the pain, but things will never be the same again. The way you loved me, cared about me, the kindness, love and heart you shared with me… nothing could ever come close. You have set the bar so extremely high.

I love you Jonny and I am so sorry, I had no idea it was going to end like this.

Rest In Paradise
Jonathon Eric Kavanagh
1992-2022