Money can’t buy life.

Money can buy happiness, but it can’t buy life.

Over the past few years I have spent so much time and energy into working. I never really stopped to analyse why.

I’ve been through a lot; experienced a lot, hurt a lot and I guess eventually, becoming a workaholic was my way of feeling “productive”.

I put so much of my time and effort into working. I was happy with doing so too. I love my job and the company I work for. It’s like a little family and I am so grateful for having the job I have. But on a personal level, I guess I could say I used over-working as an excuse to not have to socialise or really live.

After everything I had experienced in my 20’s, towards the end of my twenties, I began feeling more and more distant to even the people closest to me. I am a person who feels and thinks so deeply that at some point, I just stopped discussing what I was going through, even the people closest to me. I felt so misunderstood and even if my family and friends understood me, they didn’t understand it to the level that I was coming from.

I began to tell myself overworking was a good thing. I felt “productive” and my work ethic kept me away from other vices that would lead to me wasting my own time.

Then I lost someone to suicide.

My whole perception of life crumbled. I didn’t know how to handle the pain. It wasn’t even getting through each day by day; but moment by moment. My perception of myself began to change.

I began to think “what if” – replaying memories made between him and I for over 20 years. The thoughts of “if only I did….” or “if only I went to…” flooded my mind and my heart felt unimaginable pain. I just wanted him to come back.

I’ll never get a chance to re-do the past. I can’t un-do his death. Twelve hour days don’t matter; I could work twenty hour days and that still wouldn’t make a difference.

To live with this pain; this regret – of knowing I was so caught up thinking people didn’t understand me or care the way I do; then to lose the one person who was always so understanding and caring towards me, keeps my heart constantly aching.

No matter how we see the world, or what we think of the world, there will always be something or someone that challenges that – for good or for bad.

Achieving my goals mean nothing when I’m losing pieces of myself along the way.

Having ambition is a great thing; but don’t let it take over the simple things like simply living life, friendships and connection.

To have a friend leave this earth is one thing, but the cause of why and how they left is something that we carry with us; something I could’ve prevented. I’ve had people tell me “even if you tried, you may not have been able to save him”, and while that’s true, maybe I could’ve. I guess we’ll never know.

If I’ve learned anything but putting so much time into my career, projects and work; as Bob Marley once said: money can’t buy life.