It’s a new moon at the moment so I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting.
While reflecting, it occurred to me that as much as I want to sound positive and happy (and less sarcastic or even brutal at times), there’s been some sort of shield I’ve been holding up – one that my ego has been set on keeping up even though I know if I keep doing that, I’m not going to be able to reach people as effectively as I would if I were to share deeper truths about myself. So here we go.
In my recent past, I went through a chapter of my life over the past year where I felt extremely depressed and suicidal. I think it’s important for me to share this because for many of us, we’ve all at some point reached a place where everything feels completely pointless.
Childhood was a heavy burden in some ways. I’ve always been quite empathic and intuitive which has been both a blessing and a curse, but having empathy also helped my incredibly optimistic attitude on life – even from such a young age.
Life then progressed into adulthood, and over the past couple of years, it’s hit me that this is absolutely not what I expected. We’re all pretty much winging it! There’s no manual.
Even when little things happened, it felt like big things, because not only would I be dealing with the emotions that I was feeling, but I was feeling every emotion of everyone around me.
Then big things happened. Circumstances and situations that I would never have in a million years imagined myself to be going through.
The impact of these situations had hit me harder than I let be known or portray to those around me.
I’ve always liked to laugh so my coping mechanism became Instagram memes, while constantly reminding myself that life’s not that serious. However, there comes a point where there’s not enough memes on the internet to keep masking how you’re feeling.
There were many moments where I would just sit and reflect on damaging some situations were and the impact it had on my life. Not only does it provoke emotions of anger and sadness but the rumination and despair turned into depression.
I found myself putting on a façade – daily.
I had cut off so many friends and the friends I did have, I felt as though I didn’t connect with them in a way which I would like to. My finances weren’t great at the time. I went to work daily but everyone would discuss their partners and children and I would have nothing to report because at some point I got sick of discussing what I was going through.
Then there were the moments where I thought to myself, “I can’t do this. I don’t want to exist”, but the empath in me knew I couldn’t ever put my family through that and I had already learned so much through my spiritual awakening that I always knew hard times eventually end – so I held on, waiting for this energetic burden to be lifted off me.
It’s been a few years since I’ve truly opened up to anyone or asked for advice. I’m a firm believer that we have everything we need inside of us to get through life – so I’ve always tried to heal myself through journaling and writing.
I would write my thoughts and emotions and try to make sense of it all.
Although I’ve always tried to understand why other people do the things they do, I’ve always been extremely misunderstood. I felt as though I would be selfish to complain about how much I was struggling to get myself through certain situations that I was allowing into my life.
Despite feeling depressed and suicidal, there was a part of me that knew suicide was never an option. I could never bring myself to do it because of how I view the world and my own spiritual beliefs, but I had no energy to keep waking up and doing the same thing day in and day out.
As I was reflecting on why I felt how I felt, I had an epiphany.
This voice inside of me said “you don’t want to die, you just want to be free”.
In that moment, I realised my life had become a prison; in which the prison cell was made up of situations and people to whom I had surrendered my autonomy. I had become some kind of puppet – a show monkey that was trying to make someone else happy.
This realisation came with an array of mixed emotions – most of which were negative. I wanted to be angry, until I realised the burden was on me. I did that. I gave my power away to that person and by constantly revisiting past situations… and because I gave my power away, I could now take my power back.
It’s easy to stay caught up in a situation that’s hurt us. For me, the sequence of these events forced me to feel a type of pain I had never experienced before… but I know that if life decides to present me with another circumstance or situation that causes me to feel as defeated as I felt, I will be well-equipped to handle it.
Once I realised, all I want is to feel free – I had to remind myself that I have no right to be angry or cruel. I had to come to the realisation that I have the power to change things.
Previously, I felt extreme anger or extreme empathy. Neither of which helped me empower myself. Empathy is good, but not too much of it and not in the situation I was dealing with.
The only way to move myself out of this mentality was to write down methodological steps on what I can do so my spirit can feel more free, as well as what to do to begin honouring myself.
A few years ago, I would’ve told you that I had life all figured out. But it wasn’t until hitting rock bottom – several times after, that has made me who I am. It was the darkness that my life had become, which brought out aspects of myself that even I didn’t know I had. The strength, unconditional love, unshakable mentality, empathy, compassion… these aspects of myself that were shown again, again and again, in the midst of fighting battles that left multiple scars – the same scars which make me the person I am proud to be.
It’s not an easy process to endure. Despite my curious mind and several spiritual awakenings over the years, I’ve realised that life doesn’t always hit us the same and despite if others have been through “less” or “more” – it’s who we decide to be in those moments that ultimately shapes who we are when it’s all over.
The reason I felt like I wanted to end my life – even though from the outside looking in, it would be confusing to try and understand why – I wanted to end it all because I was exhausted from fighting battles that weren’t mine to fight. This prison I was living with was inside my mind. I felt as though I was drowning simply to keep other people’s heads above water, when they were capable of swimming.
I promise you, everything is about perspective. It’s not about feeling hostile toward anyone that’s wronged you, holding onto bitterness, or seeking revenge. I thought by self-sacrificing my own needs, it would position people to appreciate me. But I read once that people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. I had nothing to be mad about – the past is the past, and as painful as it was, I had to remind myself what I already knew, I should’ve been focusing on appreciating me. It’s no one else’s job to – and by giving this power away, I felt like I had nothing left to live for because I wasn’t living for me.
You have everything you need within you. You have gifts, love, wisdom and a heart that is strong enough to carry people through pain. Share it when necessary, but don’t ever give it away.
Going through this dark chapter of my life has allowed me to relish in the good things so much more; and if something else comes up – I will rise to the occasion.
If you’ve ever found yourself in a dark place, ask yourself:
– Do you feel free? And what can you do feel free, and to honour yourself?
I hope you always choose to believe in your own resilience, strength, determination and courage to overcome what comes up. None of this was meant to break any of us; it’s simply redirecting us to the one person who we forgot to have love and empathy for: ourselves. Once you discover this, you will be unbreakable.
If you’ve read until the end, thank you.
Inner Truth Gym 